Our friends Thurston and Lovey Howell invited Dr. Alex and I to join them last night at their yacht club's wine dinner. Wine dinners can be a great way to experiment with different wine/food pairings and also provide a chance to try new wines.We began this beautiful balmy evening sitting outside on the yacht clubs patio sipping a glass of Villa Granda Prosecco from the Veneto region. At that moment I felt like Cleopatra loungeing in her barge drifting down the Nile. Little did I know that I was actually more like Molly Brown on the Titanic waiting for the iceberg to hit.
As we sat there my tummy began to grumble with hunger pangs and I began to wonder what the food would be like for this soiree of important boating people. In a few moments a tuxedo clad waiter came by with a tray of puff pastry appetizers filled with some processed orange looking cheese. Ok, this was probably just a fluke and not a prelude of the upcoming meal we would soon be enjoying. Unfortunately I was wrong this puff pastry would be the highlight of the evening.
The xylophone was played and that was our cue to be seated at our table of four. Our first dinner wine was the Robert Mondavi Fume Blanc paired with toasted sourdough bread topped with soggy tomatoes, grilled eggplant and red peppers. This was definitely a one bite dish for me. I was not about to waste my calories and fill myself up on this inedible dish. The Mondavi Fume Blanc tasted like yellow grapefruit and pith. (Pith is the somewhat bitter white area of citrus rind). This wine receives 1 apron at best, because of I am feeling generous.
Moving along to our next course of one large seared scallop on a pea pod puree. E-Gads what was the chef thinking. The pea pod puree tasted like bad pea soup. So, here you have this scallop drowning in some cold pea soup tasting paste. At this point even Chef Boyardee would be crying in his canned rigatoni. I made the mistake of taking a couple bites of this dreadful concoction.I believe here is where my stomache began trying to emancipate itself from the rest of my body. The pairing for this dish was a Nobilissima Pinot Grigio. This was a scentless, tastless glass of semi thick liquid. Now, Pinot Grigio can really be a very enjoyable wine to either pair with food or consume by itself. This wine gives Pinot Grigio a bad name. No aprons are assigned to this abomination of a wine.
Now with my poor belly churning and the early signs of rebellion continuing we move to our next dish. John Dory on white rice paired with St. Michelle White Riesling. The John Dory was acceptable for consumption but the wine was just an embarrassment. Come on this is not Riesling. This was overly sweet clear swill. One sip was all I could take of this wine. It aggravates me when this type of Riesling is served because it gaves this very important varietal a bad name. Years ago Germany would export to the USA, Liefraumilch style (generic) Riesling. Americans drank Blue Nun and other wines of that style believing that was what Riesling was all about. There are some wonderful, true to the varietal characteristics Rieslings be made in the US and all around the world but this plonk was a very insulting impersonation. Once again no aprons will be given for this wine.
Like an out of control skier on a steep slope heading for a tree we were moving in the same direction with this dinner. Only we weren't about to run into a tree in our path, instead we smacked right into some poor duck. This unknowing quacker was slaughtered only to be given to an incompetent chef that prepared him to taste like liver. Ohhhhhhh my aching belly it felt like Donald Duck was raging. At this point the ASPCA should have arrested the chef for animal abuse. This aberration of a dish was paired with an Aurelio Montes Pinot Noir LTD from Chile. Even Pinochet wouldn't force his prisoners to drink this overly tannin, cab like, thick, bitter, over the top, wine. Who makes this stuff? Is the winemaker a comedian or just a sadist? Once again no aprons will be assigned. You have to earn aprons by at least being able to produce wine that can be swallowed. If I had a spit bucket available this so called wine would have found eternal peace in the bucket where it actually belonged.
Thank the Dear Lord only one more course and then dessert to finally wrap up this nightmarish meal. Here is the coup de grace of the entire evening. Medallion of beef wrapped in partially cooked bacon. Now at this point even our hosts Thurston and Lovey Howell were aghast to find this bacon/meat hybrid on their plates. But being the yacht club member blue bloods they are both of them simply turned their noses up momentarily in disgust and then put knife and fork properly to their meat. The pairing for this 5th and torturous course was Tapestry Bakers Gully Shiraz. At least winemaker got the Gully part correct. Because in the gully is where he should have poured this intensely fruity, overly jammy, super thick and ghastly swill. I guess at this point you know that no aprons will be placed on the bottleneck this wine.
Moving on to dessert we were given mixed berries with whipped cream and more prosecco. I sat in my chair fearful that one false move would send me hurling this entire evening's food and wine contents all over the Yacht Club's chestnut stained floors. I was in absolute agony. My stomache had now turned into the Hindenburg with rebellious Germans mutinying the mother ship. Oh, Dear Lord I was in pain. I looked to see what Dr. Alex's thoughts were and I noticed he had fallen asleep in his chair. After giving him a kick in his shin he came back to lucidity and mumbled something incoherent about how much he was enjoying everything.
Thurston Howell was ready for more food/wine courses and Lovey was well mannerly holding her stomache and listening attentively to everything Thurston had to say. Oh, those Blue Bloods, you have got to hand it to them they can really keep it together.
That night after our return home I quickly pulled off my Spanx, put my nighty on and encouraged White Fang to hop into bed to be by my side. I comfortably relaxed in my bed with my trusty heating pad and began thinking about the night's events. I realized that because you have lots of money and can afford a ginormous boat doesn't mean you neccessarily have good taste. I know everyone is entitled to their own palate but trust me the wine and food were all terrible. But the Yacht Club people thought it was great. They really didn't understand that this was poorly prepared food, paired incorrectly with inexplicably poorly made wines. Maybe that was the match. Poorly prepared food, with poorly made wines for people who although had the money didn't have the je ne sais quoi or that intangible quality that defines excellence from average. In the end it's not about the money, the yacht or whatver material item someone flaunts. It is that intangible quality that makes something or somebody a cut above the rest.
Here's wishing you a 6 apron day!
XXOO
Mrs. Reed
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